My wife will tell you I have issues — one of which is keeping a hold on my wedding ring. In some marriages, this could be a sign of infidelity or weak commitment, but thankfully for me, Liz understands me well enough to know that rings and I just don’t get along. One ring disappeared while I was riding my motorcycle and the cold air caused my fingers to shrink enough that the ring fell off while I was waiving at a biker in the oncoming lane. It disappeared along the freeway. Another disappeared when I shook cold water off of my hands while I was camping. In spite of an extensive search, it never surfaced again. I lost one while wake-boarding because it got caught on the tow-rope and almost took my finger with it as it fell to the bottom of the Banana River in Florida. Another got stolen from a locker where I had left it so it wouldn’t get torn up while I was in the gym. I don’t have a great track record with jewelry.
In addition to losing rings, during the intervals between losses where I possessed and wore one, I had a bad habit of getting them caught in machinery, scratched up on rocks, tools, equipment, or engines, or inadvertently shorting out electronics I was working on. As a result of my work habits, absent mindedness, and rough hobbies, I quit wearing a wedding band all together almost eight years ago. Liz has accepted this fact and gave up on me wearing any form of jewelry long ago. The heart of the reason she is so accepting is because of who I am… If you know me at all, you know I’m married. It’s so central to who I am. She knows that, and so isn’t concerned that I don’t have a visible wedding ring.
However, the dynamic in my current environment is substantially different from what I’m accustomed to. This area is rich with single people. In fact, the church building nearest my hotel has three separate congregations of single adults, something I’ve never seen before. In addition to the dedicated singles wards, the family ward I attend is populated with something between thirty and fifty percent single adults. It isn’t enough, however, to say there are a lot of singles around here. That would be a serious mischaracterization by way of omission. As an example, consider a recent experience at stake conference:
A few weeks ago, the stake where I am attending held a stake conference. None of the buildings in the area are capable of handling everyone, so conference was broadcast to all the buildings throughout the stake. Given that the building where the singles met was substantially closer than where the family ward my cohorts and I attend, and that there wouldn’t be any other activities that day, we decided to walk over to the closer chapel. As the four of us (Brent, Nate, Nate’s visiting sister, and I) walked into the building, we were immediately under close scrutiny. Nate had his sister with him and a visible wedding band, and was therefore immediately written off as being spoken for. Brent and I weren’t so lucky. As fate would have it, neither Brent nor I wear a wedding band, and we were both subjects of intense curiosity.
As we took seats towards the back of the chapel, Brent and I left an empty seat between us without really thinking about it. “Man spacing” is pretty standard, and the fact that it would cause controversy didn’t cross our minds. However, within a few seconds, there was a queue of women headed our way to occupy the open seat. They all looked very disappointed when Brent slid over when the first of them asked to sit there and filled the gap himself. As we sat watching conference some of the reasons for disappointment became more clear. Two full rows of pews in front of us were completely occupied by single women. Beyond that, almost every male in the room was either visibly “spoken for” by the presence of a female neighbor, or had visible characteristics that indicated they were likely single for good reason. Many of the other pews also contained a large imbalance in the sex ratio. Brent and I were fresh meat, and they were obviously disappointed when we were not to be found in the market.
After the broadcast, the four of us laughed it off as we walked back to the hotel for the night. We were happy that we didn’t need to go back to the singles building. However, this most recent Sunday in the family ward I was caught off guard. Both Brent and Nate had their families visiting, which left me by myself on a short pew towards the back of the chapel. As I sat there oblivious to what was going on around me, two sisters took up position on the next pew back and made it a point to introduce themselves to me immediately after the meeting and begin chatting me up.
As we talked casually, I mentioned something about my wife and kids back in New Mexico. Almost immediately one of the two got up and left, and at the same time, the demeanor of the other shifted perceptibly. Within a minute of the “revelation,” the remaining sister informed me I was a “false advertiser” by virtue of the fact I wasn’t wearing a ring, and thanked me for not waiting to bring my family up in the conversation before she got her hopes up too high. I didn’t get the feeling she was really all that grateful. It wasn’t until this point that I understood what was going on.
I’ve got to say… if you’re a single, male, worthy member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints who doesn’t mind big cities and is looking to improve your odds of matrimony, you might consider moving to the DC area. The unfortunate reality is that the sisters are more likely to remain faithful than the brothers, and that there just aren’t enough worthy men to meet the demands of all the women… especially around here. I imagine it’s about like it would have been to be a single man in gold-mining boom towns back in the 19th century.
It’s quite sad, actually, to see so many fine women compete for even the prospect of meeting a potential candidate for matrimonial bliss. I feel for them. It’s almost enough to begin to understand how polygamy could be a desirable solution. But, as for me… I just bought a silicone band that doesn’t cost much, won’t tear my finger off if it gets caught on equipment, won’t get scratched up or bent, won’t short out electronics, and will help me avoid those kind of awkward situations where someone is flirting with and feeling me out in the hope that I’m available. No more “false advertising” for me thank you!